A-Z Suicides: Daniel Vincente

Welcome back to A-Z suicides, which is probably the most depressing take on the A-Z blogging challenge out there. As with the prior 3 days, I advise against reading my blog this month if you are sensitive to the topic of suicide.

Today, I went with free-form parallelism poetry, since I’m going on a trip and needed something quick to set up to be posted at a later time. I thought it would work well with this character, since swimming is a very repetitive motion, and would be a good way to take your mind off things as you succumb to the habit of your strokes. So, I tried to mimic that mechanical movement and seductive rhythm in the poem. And, the discussion we had in class on The Awakening may have also played a part in my dicision to write this character on this day. Regardless of my inspiration, though, I hope you enjoy.

 

Swim away

Swim away from the shore
Swim away from the heat
Swim away from the rough sand
Swim away from the oppressing weight of gravity

Swim away from the wall
Swim away from the start line
Swim away from the competitors
Swim away from the cheering

Swim away from the yelling
Swim away from the screaming
Swim away from the fighting
Swim away from the hurting

Swim away from the stares
Swim away from the whispers
Swim away from the questions
Swim away from everyone’s egotistical worry

Swim away from the loneliness
Swim away frolm the crying
Swim away from the sleepless nights
Swim away from the voices in my head

Swim away from the suffering
Swim away from the pain
Swim away from the shore
Swim away from this endless life

And breath
Deeply
In the cool
Unforgiving
Water

And float away

A-Z Suicides: Chastity Smith

Of all the suicides I have planned for this month so far, it’s this one that I’m most unsure of its reception. In addition to the usual warning of suicide and depression that will blanket this month, I also wish to warn you that this story will be unfavorable to anyone who does not like to see religion portrayed in a negative light.

I just want to give a disclaimer that I do not condone any of the behavior, narrator’s or her parents’, in this story. I also do not believe that religion, Christianity specifically, is always like that. I am, however, aware that there are some individuals out there who would take their beliefs to this level, and beyond, because that is what their interpretation of the Bible tell them to. This story was more inspired by the dark side of religious orders, and the catch-22 of suffering from depression under such an order (God’s love should be enough to cure you! You can’t admit you’re feeling these feelings, or be seen in a light of shame, but the only other escape is also a sin. You’re trapped, and will lose your bid for heaven either way). I do not personally believe it should be like this, but I’ve met many people who do see it this way, and for that I am sad.

Anyway, if you don’t find the content of this short story an off-put, then I hope you enjoy it, and will stick around for my continuing journey through the heart and mind of the suicidal teen!

 

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have ended the life of one of Your precious creations prematurely.

I am sorry for my transgressions, but I am sure You will understand my reasons. It was a creature who is made better through her death. A pitiful creatures who was already withering under the blinding light of Your glory. Therefore, please see that I was not doing so out of malice. I did so out of pity. Because of this, I pray that You will give reprise to her poor soul once she is in Your arms.

I am sure You know all about the pain she has suffered in this world. She tried to be a good girl, she really did. But, Your plan for her just did not seem to include giving her a break. Her prayers always got jumbled at dinner. Her gown tangled underfoot as she tried to acolyte. She spilled the wine on her pretty new dresses during communion. And, I am sure You did not see it as and big issue, in Your infinite knowledge and glory. Your children, however, are not always so knowledgeable.

The poor creature could find no peace from her suffering. Could they not see that her embarrassment was punishment enough? Could they not see that she was sorry, that it was an accident? That she was only human, and therefore made mistakes? No, they could only see how imperfect she was, how ungodly an image she portrayed in her posture. They yelled at her, sent her to bed without dinner. They made her feel so small. So worthless. So unworthy of the love she was told you held for all…

But, she tried, Father. Oh, she tried. She did everything she was told. She didn’t stay after school with the children her parents considered heathen. She held fast to the teachings her family gave her, even when she knew they were wrong. She tried to be a good Christian…a good daughter…a good girl… And, she was alone. But, she smiled through the pain. As long as she had God and Jesus by her side, what use were friends? What use was happiness…

But it was never enough. No matter what good she did on her own, she always managed to make some mistake in their eyes. She was never good enough. She would never be good enough. No, not ever, not to them. She began to wonder, what use was it to them to have a daughter when she was such a disappointment to behold? Perhaps…perhaps if she could not do anything right, she would do one final wrong, in order to free them from their disappointment forever. She would commit one final sin, in order to end her own suffering.

Father, I ask that You forgive me, as I slip this rope around my neck. I did my best to be good in Your eyes, but I guess that is not enough in this world. If you cannot be perfect, what use are you to the world at all? I pray that You will welcome me into Your arms as I pass through Your glorious gates. But, I do not blame you if you turn me away. I am sure my hideous soul will have already decided that long before this final mistake manifested in my head.

Amen…

A-Z Suicides: Brandilynn Carter

Day 2 of my series of teen suicides. Yesterday was a summarized medical log, and today is the diary of an aspiring start. What could possibly do wrong? (Yeah, I realize this one is kind of stereotypical. It happens often enough to get a pass though, right?) I’m going to try to use different formats for different ones, though I’m not sure how long that’ll last. I hope you enjoy this one, and the rest of the month!

As with yesterday, a month-long trigger warning for suicide and it’s related topics. This one also has eating disorders in it, if that’ll trigger you. I don’t think the portrayal is that bad, but I also don’t know the exact anatomy of a trigger.

 

Dear Diary,

I’m so excited! Mom agreed to let my audition for Song Starz! We’re going to New York next week so I can participate in the primary judging. I already have my clothing and song picked out. It’s going to be so awesome! I mean, I’m a little scared of performing in from of the judges, but I’m sure I’ll be okay. If I don’t get it this time…I can always try again next year, right?

Derek’s being an asshole, as usual. He’s saying that I’m going to get in front of the judges and bomb it. It’s practically brothers’ jobs to be dweebs and say mean things, though, especially when there sisters are excited about something. With all I’ve been practicing, though, I’m sure I’ll be great. Positive thinking!

Wish me luck, Diary!

 

Dear Diary,

I made it past the primaries! Next stop, LA to audition again, so see if I’m material for TV. Mom’s going to help me pack tomorrow morning, and then drive me to the airport to catch my plane on Friday. I’m a little bummed she can’t come with me, but I’m practically an adult, and I’ll have to get used to being own if I’m going to be *famous*!

Derek came into my room when we got back and congratulated me. His exact words were “Good job. Maybe you don’t suck that bad.” I’m taking it as his own personal form of complimenting me.

 

Dear Diary,

The hotel is beautiful! Each room is bigger than all the bedrooms at home combined, practically. I do have to share it with another girl, but it’s not that bad. My roommate’s a girl from Kentucky who’s even younger than I am named Rebecca. She’s really sweet, and likes a lot of the same shows I do. We stayed up until almost midnight talking about it and trying to figure out if we would be free to watch them all together.

The other women here are so pretty! And the guys are really handsome. Most of the older people don’t really pay much attention to us, but the other teens are really nice. A bunch of us when down to the pool to play Marco Polo and go down the slides. It was great! There are a few snobby girls who follow the adults around and don’t mind being ignored, but we just ignore them. Why would they want to stalk a bunch of snuck-up bitches when there’s tons of cool people there age around?

I have to get to sleep now. We’re doing auditions again bright and early!

 

Dear Diary,

Guess who’s going to be one TV? Me and Becca both made it through. A bunch of the older girls glared at us, and I heard a few of them whispering about how they only kept us on because we were cute, and we wouldn’t last a week on Song Starz. I just ignore them and went back to my room, though. Why would they do that? Of course we’re going to be awesome. They’re probably just jealous that not all of them made it through while we did.

Right?

 

Dear Diary,

The first week was brutal. I don’t think I saw Becca at all this week, except for at night and when we were going to and from different places. Almost every hour we were awake was devoted to practicing, costume fittings, and a few brief meals in between. We both came back at the end of every day exhausted and just went to sleep. We didn’t even get the chance to catch up with the shows we like online. Oh well. Maybe after a few weeks pass, and things aren’t quite so stressful, we can hang out a bit.

By the way, I’m thinking about losing some weight. A bunch of the older contestants were staring at me during dinner and whispering. It was cheeseburger night, but most of them ate salads instead. When I want to get some mayo, I overheard one of them say “They do realize nobody wants an ugly whale for a pop star, right?” I tried not to think about it, but I do have a few fat rolls I could stand to lose. Besides, it won’t hurt to just think about what I eat a bit more.

 

Dear Diary,

Becca and I were both safe this week. Some girl dropped out because of a family emergency, and they haven’t had the chance to contact one of the runners-up, so they’re just going to vote out two girls next week.

I lost a few pounds, though my stomach still hangs over a bit. Another week probably won’t hurt. I’m a little hungry, but I’ve always eaten a ton, so I doubt it’s anything to worry about. Maybe, if I do really good, I’ll add some chocolate chips to my salad. I hear the restaurant downstairs also has really good watermelon sherbet. Hm…maybe I’ll use that as a reward if I make it through voting next week. Sherbet isn’t that fattening, right?

 

Dear Diary,

It’s horrible! Becca got voted off this week. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, and that she did great, but I’m not sure if she believes me. She tried to sound cheerful, and say it was just because she froze up and forgot her lyrics this week, but it didn’t sound convincing. I hope she’s okay. We agreed to send emails, and she said she’ll vote for me every week so I’ll win. I’m getting really scared, though. What if I’m the next one who’ll leave? I decided to forgo the sherbert, since I shouldn’t really be celebrating my best friend here leaving.

I got moved into another room, one with the roommate of the other woman that got voted off. We haven’t really spoke, but she’s a lot older than me. The other women are always talking about how horrible us younger contestants are, so I’m afraid she’ll want to talk about how crappy I perform and remind me how fat I am. So, I’m going to try to avoid her as long as I can. Positive energy, right?

 

Dear Diary,

I skipped lunch today. My trainer was really mad, but I wasn’t hungry, anyway. I really needed the extra time to practice. I don’t want to be voted off yet! I didn’t really eat much dinner, either, because I was really nervous about the performance. I think I did okay, though we won’t know until tomorrow.

 

Dear Diary,

Continuing until next week. Gotta sleep. Good night.

 

Dear Diary,

I’m not losing weight fast enough! All the other girls are so pretty and skinny, and I’m still a fat lard. I have to find something that works better…

 

Going on to next week.

 

Mom and Derek are visiting to watch the performance this week, since it’s Childhood week. They say I’m getting really skinny, and should eat more. When mom was in the bathroom, Derek said he’d beat up anyone who was saying mean things to me. I just told him I was fine, and to relax. They just don’t understand what you need to do to be famous.

 

Was in the bottom 3. Have to do better next week.

 

My new roommate, Jessica, stopped me in the hall today and told me I looked scary thin. She tried to make me eat more at dinner, but I told her I wasn’t hungry. She just wants me to get fat again, so I’ll get voted off.

 

Fainted during practice. My trainer watched me while I ate, to make sure I did. I’ll have to be more careful, so I don’t pass out during a performance.

 

Bottom 3 again. So tired, I almost don’t care anymore. I’m obviously not going to win, so why am I even still trying?

 

Dear Diary,

I woke up in the hospital this morning. I was late for rehearsals, so Jessica went to look for me and couldn’t wake me up. They said I’m malnourished. I’m not going to recover in time for performance, so they told me I was off for the season. If I’m healthier next year, I’ll be allowed back on, but I doubt I’ll be any good after just a year. I’m getting sent home to “recover and get my life back together.” Jessica came to visit me and told me it’s too bad I was “sick” because I had “potential.” She’s probably just glad the girls are getting a free ride this week.

 

Dear Diary,

Mom and Derek asked me if I wanted to watch Song Starz with them, but I just wanted to stay in my room. I skipped dinner again, since that’s when it’s on. I can’t stand to watch it, since I know all the girls that are left are a bunch of stuck up bitches. I’ll write more tomorrow to tell you who got voted off. I’m getting kind of tired.

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A-Z Suicides: Andrew Carmichael

I’m doing my A-Z blogging a little differently this year. Since my April Camp NaNoWriMo novel deals heavily with suicide, and has many bit characters who require more back story planning than they do actual screen time, I decided to use their back stories for my blog post. Therefore, if you are sensitive to suicide, abuse, depression, anything like that, then it may be best to avoid my blog for the month. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy, and feel free to post constructive criticism. Most of these stories age going to be written on the fly, so I wouldn’t doubt a few of them will be kind of crappy. Thanks for reading! 🙂

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Pig Week: Reality

This is another story that kind of came out of nowhere. It some ways, though, it’s a classic, so it’s only natural it come up on my blog at some point: the fantasy story existing only within someone’s head. And, who better to be the one to create the world but the one who fusses over making it as perfect as possible for the ones he cares about? There’s a lot of things that inspired this, but I think the biggest is just the simple escapist mentality of the writer, as well as almost anyone else who has half a mind to make up stories when they’re upset. So, I hope you enjoy, and that I didn’t mess it up too badly. Finally, until next year, happy pig week, and I hope you enjoy the remainder of Fanfic Month, which will hopefully get better since I’m not limited to Vaughn/Sokola and pig stories.

Also, one more note for anyone who isn’t me or Sabrina, Sokola’s birth name was Cassidy, in case you’re wondering where the goddaughter came from. I thought that name was more realistic for a real-world story than Sokola.

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Pig Week: Daddy

I can;t remember where this idea came from. But, some depressingly horrible thought in my head decided to explore what Vaughn’s life would have been like if he never met Aria, and Sokola was the only family he ever had. Overall, I don’t think much changed, since most of the story was based on real moments in the genesis Vaughn and Sokola Daddy/Daughterdom. I do think it made Vaughn a lot more depressing, and a heck of a lot more lonely, since he didn’t have his girlfriend/pet to turn to for advice, and to cheer him up when things were difficult. It isn’t evident in this story, but it may have possibly made their relationship grow faster, without Daddy’s overly-proper girl getting in the way of playtime…and also, maybe, made Sokola’s little Electra complex worse, since there wouldn’t have been the competition. Regardless, I think this story ended up adorable, if not kind of depressing. I hope you enjoy it, and are ready for the lest Pig Week post tomorrow, whenever I finish it!

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Pig Week: A Rocky Reunion

Continuing from yesterday, I decided to write what happened next, thanks to the mix-up with Aria’s unwelcome match. I have to admit, this scene is one I’m looking forward to writing for real someday. It’ll be wonderful to get to it, and know all the major conflicts are over for them. That doesn’t mean there lives are perfect, mind you, but the problems after this are mostly doable. Mostly.

Anyway, as to be expected, having Sokola there added an extra layer of fin to this scene, and fixed a couple of problems Wren encounters in the real version. Specifically, making sure they get home while Mama’s reconnecting with Daddy. *wink wink* Enjoy the story, everyone! And I look forward to seeing you the last 2 days of the week.

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