A-Z Suicides: Chastity Smith

Of all the suicides I have planned for this month so far, it’s this one that I’m most unsure of its reception. In addition to the usual warning of suicide and depression that will blanket this month, I also wish to warn you that this story will be unfavorable to anyone who does not like to see religion portrayed in a negative light.

I just want to give a disclaimer that I do not condone any of the behavior, narrator’s or her parents’, in this story. I also do not believe that religion, Christianity specifically, is always like that. I am, however, aware that there are some individuals out there who would take their beliefs to this level, and beyond, because that is what their interpretation of the Bible tell them to. This story was more inspired by the dark side of religious orders, and the catch-22 of suffering from depression under such an order (God’s love should be enough to cure you! You can’t admit you’re feeling these feelings, or be seen in a light of shame, but the only other escape is also a sin. You’re trapped, and will lose your bid for heaven either way). I do not personally believe it should be like this, but I’ve met many people who do see it this way, and for that I am sad.

Anyway, if you don’t find the content of this short story an off-put, then I hope you enjoy it, and will stick around for my continuing journey through the heart and mind of the suicidal teen!

 

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have ended the life of one of Your precious creations prematurely.

I am sorry for my transgressions, but I am sure You will understand my reasons. It was a creature who is made better through her death. A pitiful creatures who was already withering under the blinding light of Your glory. Therefore, please see that I was not doing so out of malice. I did so out of pity. Because of this, I pray that You will give reprise to her poor soul once she is in Your arms.

I am sure You know all about the pain she has suffered in this world. She tried to be a good girl, she really did. But, Your plan for her just did not seem to include giving her a break. Her prayers always got jumbled at dinner. Her gown tangled underfoot as she tried to acolyte. She spilled the wine on her pretty new dresses during communion. And, I am sure You did not see it as and big issue, in Your infinite knowledge and glory. Your children, however, are not always so knowledgeable.

The poor creature could find no peace from her suffering. Could they not see that her embarrassment was punishment enough? Could they not see that she was sorry, that it was an accident? That she was only human, and therefore made mistakes? No, they could only see how imperfect she was, how ungodly an image she portrayed in her posture. They yelled at her, sent her to bed without dinner. They made her feel so small. So worthless. So unworthy of the love she was told you held for all…

But, she tried, Father. Oh, she tried. She did everything she was told. She didn’t stay after school with the children her parents considered heathen. She held fast to the teachings her family gave her, even when she knew they were wrong. She tried to be a good Christian…a good daughter…a good girl… And, she was alone. But, she smiled through the pain. As long as she had God and Jesus by her side, what use were friends? What use was happiness…

But it was never enough. No matter what good she did on her own, she always managed to make some mistake in their eyes. She was never good enough. She would never be good enough. No, not ever, not to them. She began to wonder, what use was it to them to have a daughter when she was such a disappointment to behold? Perhaps…perhaps if she could not do anything right, she would do one final wrong, in order to free them from their disappointment forever. She would commit one final sin, in order to end her own suffering.

Father, I ask that You forgive me, as I slip this rope around my neck. I did my best to be good in Your eyes, but I guess that is not enough in this world. If you cannot be perfect, what use are you to the world at all? I pray that You will welcome me into Your arms as I pass through Your glorious gates. But, I do not blame you if you turn me away. I am sure my hideous soul will have already decided that long before this final mistake manifested in my head.

Amen…

Pig Week: Daddy

I can;t remember where this idea came from. But, some depressingly horrible thought in my head decided to explore what Vaughn’s life would have been like if he never met Aria, and Sokola was the only family he ever had. Overall, I don’t think much changed, since most of the story was based on real moments in the genesis Vaughn and Sokola Daddy/Daughterdom. I do think it made Vaughn a lot more depressing, and a heck of a lot more lonely, since he didn’t have his girlfriend/pet to turn to for advice, and to cheer him up when things were difficult. It isn’t evident in this story, but it may have possibly made their relationship grow faster, without Daddy’s overly-proper girl getting in the way of playtime…and also, maybe, made Sokola’s little Electra complex worse, since there wouldn’t have been the competition. Regardless, I think this story ended up adorable, if not kind of depressing. I hope you enjoy it, and are ready for the lest Pig Week post tomorrow, whenever I finish it!

Continue reading

Friday Fictioneers: Blurred Images

I will admit now that I have no idea what the truck in this weeks photograph is, and welcome any clarification. To me, though, it looked like a blurry picture of a firetruck, which set off tons of questions in my head. Why did someone take this picture of an emergency vehicle? And what might cause it to be blurry(outside the obvious answers)? And, this is what popped into my head. Hope you enjoy it. 🙂

Continue reading

Do you know?

Hey, Vaughn here. If any of you read Sabrina’s blog (Ticket to a thousand worlds, for those who don’t), then you might have ready the poem she wrote from Sokola’s point of view. And, even though I know Sokola herself didn’t write it, the idea of her ever thinking stuff like that ever made me kind of sad, and I just wanted to hug Sokola and tell her than I love her so very much. So, I did better and wrote a poem in response (with Moon’s help, of course, since I such at poetry, and I obviously needed to borrow her body to work the magic). I hope I did okay, with it, and at least got what i was feeling across:

 

Do you know

How much I love you?

Do you believe me

When I tell you

Remind you

Every time I can

That you are important to me

That I want to protect you

That I love you

 

Do you know

That I am here for you

For everything

For anything

You could ask for

For the exciting news

And the tearful confessions

And especially

The sweet conversations

That only make me

Love you more

 

Do you know

That She loves you, too

That we know

That She will never

Be a replacement

But that

All the same

You love us

Even if it is

Unequal

Unbalanced

Incomplete

But

It is still love

 

Do you know

That even though

You are second in my heart

I still love you

Much more than you could understand

Bigger than your poofy hair

Or the sky we soar in

Or the entire world

Do you know that

Second isn’t all that bad

When you realize

How much I actually love you

Even if She is still my number one

Do you know

How much it hurts

To see you sad

Or scared

To see you cry

Or hide things

To hear you question

How much

I care about you

To think about

You growing up someday

And leaving my side for His

Do you know

How much it hurts

To wonder

If you’ll always love me

As much as I love you.

 

Do you know

That nothing

Will change how I feel

Not another child

Or a petty fight

Or any mistake in the world

My love for you

Will never change

Even if you

Will change so much

Because

To me

You will always be

The you

That I know

And love

 

Do you know

That all I want

Is for you

To be happy

That I don’t care

If your perfect

Or if you love Him

Or if you ignore my request

To stay my little girl forever

And fall lovingly

Into His arms

Because

I know

You cannot

Be a child forever

And

A part of me

Looks forward to seeing

The beautiful woman

You will someday become

Whatever you do

You will still

Be my daughter

And I

Will always love you

 

Daddy loves you, Sokola! I hope you liked my poem, and I just wanted to let you know that, even when you’re no longer a little girl, you will still be my little girl. Don’t be afraid to grow up, just don’t do it too fast. 🙂

Your adopted daddy forever,

Image