Today, I decided to delve into a different aspect of depression: the voices in your head that you never seem able to escape. From what I’ve seen, everyone assumes that people who attempt or commit suicide have some sort of horrible life or an outside source that is directly causing their problems. And, many times, that’s completely true. But other times, it’s just the right mixture of low self-esteem and a few off-hand remarks that stuck a little more than they were meant to. Even when a person has the best support system possible, the voices in their head that tell them they’re being lied to or that they’re not worth the worry and care the people around them are giving them. And some sort of bad past, such as bullying or a less-than-supportive family member can be the catalyst, but there are plenty of times when the source is to far away from the current time to be traced with any accuracy. The voices, however, are still there, always bringing up the dirty laundry that you tried so hard to bury under happier memories and good intentions.
Do you see me?
Yes, I can see you.
Nobody else seems to see me.
They see you. They just wish they could not.
Why do they not want to see me?
They value their eyes, dear.
What do you mean?
Look at yourself. You’re not he most pleasant to the eyes.
I look fine. I have my mother’s eyes, my father’s hair. They say I am beautiful.
They lie. They don’t want to make you feel sad.
There is nothing wrong with me… I am fine.
You lie to yourself. You are not fine. You never were, and you never will be.
No…you lie. You are just…a distortion. A distortion of my insecurities.
Am I, Fay? Or, are your insecurities distorted by the images before you?
I…I will not listen to you. I won’t…
They don’t listen. Only look. You will see the truth in time.
I’ll smash you. I will never believe that the images you show me are true.
Hahaha. You can try to smash me, but you will not succeed.
You can smash that which hold me, but you will never get rid of the real me.
I will see you in the next mirror, though. I’ll always be there.
Look what you’ve done now, Fay.
Look at the mess you’ve made…
Look at how ugly you make everything…
How…how are you still here…
I’m always here, Fay.
I am inside of you.
I am you.
By breaking me, you’ve just made more of me.
I won’t go away.
I’ll always be here.
You can’t escape me.
You can’t escape me.
You’ll never escape me.
I will. I’ll get away from you. I will!
Fay, what are you doing.
Put me down, Fay.
You don’t want to do this.
I’ll escape you. I never want to see you or here you again!
Think about this, Fay.
We can be friends.
We can start over.
Just put me down.
No. I won’t listen to your lies again. You always talk me out of it, and then you go right back to tormenting me the very next day. But not anymore. I’m finally going to shut you up.
Don’t do this.
There are other ways.